I long for a space that I can do things in this life that do not necessarily have to be the best, or most perfect. I long for a place where I am not surrounded by brilliance displayed all of the time. I long to be out of Grad school, back into the real world of real people that have babies, and throw parties for the ones they love. 

I am done with the rat race that I see going on around me- the one that I have not quite learned the rules of just yet.

This is a curse, yet a blessing as well. 

I long for the stories of people that feel like good enough is where they are in the moment. 

I am not against, change, please hear me.

I am against change in order to be the best and exclude everyone that lives on the planet I lived on before I became perfected. Yes, I am just done. 

Dear Someone

 just do something ordinary and just and call it good.... I am so over the best

Dreams

Dreams are funny things. I will not get into all my thoughts on them right now but I just finished reading my friend holly's blog. She posted some of her most recent dreams. It reminded me of the last dream I had. I was pregnant and when I took the pregnancy test the first time the stick said it was a girl. The second time I took the test it said it was a boy.... (I am aware that a pee test does not tell gender) I remember hoping it was twins.


The funniest part of this dream is the fact that in non-therapy world this could symbolize that I want kids bad. But in therapy world, this could just mean I'm in for some more shit to hit the fan. No Fun. Either way, I have some work to do ahead.

Underwear

Good fitting underwear are hard to come by. At least for me that is. Most women have their favorites and make sure that they don’t disappear to the washer gods. I had three favorite pairs that I would plan out with exactly what jeans to wear them with as well. I guarded them and cared for them and always gave special attention to make sure they were in the pile of week’s wash and not lost under the hamper. You probably get the point.

Then sometime in the last month I hit the jackpot at Old Navy and bought 5 new, great fitting pairs of underwear. I thought wow, now I have 5 great new pairs of great fitting underwear. These were now what I tended my time to when I was doing my laundry. Then all of a sudden I realized that one of the three “old favorites” was missing. I actually was not being as careful with them as I used to be. I realized that I had moved on.

This reminds me of what I can do with social justice issues. Once I find something that has gone awry, I put special interest into becoming aware that these issues need to be dealt with. Which is a great thing to be aware of on one hand. But then, I become aware of another injustice going on, and I focus all my attention on that issue and as a result, neglecting the other important issues. I may focus on self-awareness and forget that there are others that need care. Or I find myself focusing on the issues of the poor in Africa and neglecting the needs of my own community.

I have observed this happening not only with my own life, but I see this as a pattern that many communities adhere to. My hope for this coming year is to ask where are the other three pairs of underwear? Let’s not forsake the things we saw as problems last year to give precedence to new issues, yet can we tend to both? I hope to be a part of a community that will sustain the progress we have made and still move forward in the new issues that we recognize as a problem.

Not quite right

I have those days when I realize all over again that I'm not like other people. Today was one of them. At the same time I got that lurking feeling in my gut, I was reminded that us white people created this monster of a feeling for our society. Throughout history we have pushed our cultural norms on this country like "we" white people were the only ones here. We love this minimizing of ethnicity, yet the more I am around people "like me", white, married, Christian, I feel more outside than ever.

I have found that the less diverse my surroundings, the more I feel the gut feeling of just not belonging. This feeling is not okay with me. The fact that I as part of the dominant culture have contributed to making others feel this way is not okay with me. I pray that god will help me recognize what I have, and be proud of who I am and how far I have come on my own journey of humanity.

The chair

I bought an ugly bird chair off Craigslist... I had to have it.
I love it
it's perfect
let's go Cram it in the VW.
SOUNDS like a great idea!
it's here now. one bird eye stares at me.
I wanted a bird chair, I want a new apartment
I'm terrified of moving.
I need a dog,
I want to reupholster the ugly ass bird chair... only five hundred dollars
Five hundred dollars. If I just had a new bird chair,
if I could just have a new apartment,
If i only had a new dog, Fly away bird chair
I'll throw you off 99
right into the water,
cause I know you won't fly,
your not really made of birds.

Here we go

Band of Horses

If your trials end, are really getting you down
We had a close call, I didn't even see it, then another one, I hardly believed it at all.
What the writers say, it means shit to me now.
Plants and animals, we're on a bender when it's 80 degrees, the end of December was coming on, only for you and me.
When the showing up ends, going back to the south, where hungry necks that I know, and runnin' a blender in a lightning storm, disguised as a blessing I'm sure.
Knowing up here, there comes a fork in the road, pants have gotta go, we're on an island on the fourth of July, looks like the tide is going home.
In time I'd find a little way to your heart, down to the general store for nothing specific, gonna wash my bones in the Atlantic shore - only for you and me

The General Specific
Band of horses
I love this song

On a sad note I just spilled coffee in my computer.
worse part: I spilled it in Brent's computer at the same time.